This one’s for me

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Do you know what I’ve come to realize?
I am my biggest critic.
I will not wait for people to say, “oh! She is so stupid” or “ugh! She needs to do better”;
I tell myself these things and many many more every chance I get.
I tell myself “You’re a bad friend. Your thighs are huge. You’re average. Nobody likes you”.
I constantly remind myself of how inadequate I am; how imperfect I am.
I don’t wait for Mr Jegede, Miss Jogodo or Mrs Jigidi to tell me; I tell myself.
I say hurtful things to myself in a bid to train myself to handle the hurtful things people will say;
I tell myself, “If you criticize yourself and remind youself of your shortcomings, when Mr Jegede, Miss Jogodo and Mrs Jigidi talk about you or criticize you, it won’t get to you because you already know”.
I am too hard on myself.
I am beginning to think that I give myself self esteem issues.
Yes, I should compete with myself, tell myself the truth and strive to be better.
Does this mean that I should put myself down, overlook the good in me and set standards too high for myself?
I have found that even though I tell myself I am inadequate, when Mr Jegede says “you are inadequate”, it still hurts. Even though I tell myself I am average, when Miss Jogodo says “you are average”, it still burns. Even though I tell myself I am not beautiful, when Mrs Jigidi says “you are not beautiful”, my heart breaks.
In a bid to better myself, I have done more harm than good.
I have become my biggest critic,
I have become my worst enemy,
I have become my biggest threat.
I don’t know how to stop myself.
God, please, don’t let me be the death of me.
God, please, save me from myself.

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I wrote this one for me. I don’t know if anyone can relate.

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4 responses »

  1. not only can i relate, im there every single day of my life. i can forgive everyone but myself. things that happened EONS ago still haunt me. its a struggle, charle, but i like to think it will get better..i certainly cant allow it to get any worse.

  2. not only can i relate, i practically live in this situation. day in day out. i am my worst critic, my worst judge. i am capable of forgiving everyone, everything, but i never do that for myself. i am always the first to attack everything i do. sometimes, it makes it better, most times it doesnt. but i have faith, faith that slowly but surely, God is going to change it, because as far as i am concerned, i cannot let it get any worse than it is already. it will get better. it just has to 🙂
    lovely lovely piece,.

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